Why Guys Often Think About Affairs and What Happens When You Cross That Line

We can’t let women off on this topic. Statics show that while not as many women are prone to wander in a committed relationship, they indeed do. Some would argue that women and men seek the sexual attention and affection of another partner for totally different reasons. For women many times, but not all, the emotions of the connection drive them into the arms of another lover. Many times an emotional affair begins for women long before a physical affair.

For men, guys let’s be honest—married or in a committed relationship—when we see a women that as the country song says “is too hot” for us “to be cool.” Sexual thoughts will often cross our mind even if only briefly. Not to be too graphic but some guys take a second and third and maybe a fourth look at those t’s and a’s.


Image Credit: nydailynews.com

Now for those of us who subscribe to a faith such as Christianity this can cause a struggle. Before Jesus came on the scene it could be said that there was a history of more “open” relationships. Throughout the Old Testament, many men of God had wives and mistresses. As time passed this way of life seemed to go as well. Thus, a person could take it that the Ten Commandments basically said, in a strongly male interpretation that would not hold up in seminary, of look but don’t touch. When Jesus taught the message that even lusting after a woman is equal to adultery, let’s be honest guys that’s some strong language.

What guy that loves Sports and subscribes to Sports Illustrated throws away the Swimsuit Edition that comes every year?

We all know men are visual beings. If it looks good, it must be good for us—right? However, even if as a guy that looking is an issue for you because of faith or personal commitments, there is a high price to pay if we as guys cross that line and go progress from avoidance to looking to touching.

Many guys think they are above this sort of thing. I have heard guys almost boastfully say: “I will never cheat. I never even look at other women.” When I hear this I often just let it go. Later, I will ask what appears to be an off-the-subject question of who are their favorite singers or movie stars. It almost makes me laugh out loud when they name all extremely beautiful women. Now all of those actresses could be the best, but come on guys it’s because they are attractive.

Some guys handle this situation by not actually having a sexual relationship with another woman as in actual having a full on sex act, but they regularly go to strip clubs and touch and look at young women. It’s sort of a justification in the mind. Trust me, it wouldn’t hold up in a court of law—I mean with most girlfriends or wives.

There is a friend that I will call Tyler. Tyler has been married for almost twenty years but right now finds himself in a tight spot. After the revelation of an affair, he has bounced from place to place sleeping and eating when and what he could. For Tyler, this was not his first affair in the twenty years of marriage.

In fact, Tyler is a minister. In his first real church position, he ran off with a lady staff member who was married. They had been sexually involved for a few months before what was done in the dark came to light. For a time ministry was over for Tyler. Yet, he struggled with the call he believed was on his life. This woman he had the affair with became his wife a few years later.

The relationship was fairly good. The sex was very satisfying. Yet, Tyler admits when he walked through a store he would almost always check out a nice backside.

Eventually, Tyler returned to the ministry. Less than a year in his new church, a very aggressive woman on staff started paying Tyler so extra special attention. Tyler was so focused on the ministry for a while it was just ignored. Then the marriage relationship got extremely tense.

You guess it, Tyler engaged in a sexual relationship with this woman. She was married and now Tyler was married too. It was a brief encounter but Tyler’s wife found out. The scene was horrible. Tyler was faced with a second congregation knowing he was an adulterer. The church actually sort waffled on what they really wanted done about the situation. Tyler was a passionate preacher and great at the duties of being a pastor. The churches attendance was up and so was the money. For over ten days of hiding out the leaders of the church didn’t even ask for Tyler to leave. Eventually Tyler gave his resignation.


Image Credit: thenypost.com

This time would be a wake-up call for Tyler. The motor that seemed to drive him to succeed in ministry seemed to be the same motor that drove him to a sexual compulsion. Seeking help he discovered a personality disorder and began to get some help. That process is ongoing. Yet, I dare say no matter how effective counseling is that when a beautiful woman is near there will always be an awareness that something is indeed too hot to remain cool.

Tyler is just an example of all guys. You could be an executive looking and longing for someone in the office. You could be a teacher in a school who thinks that they can successfully get away with an indiscretion with one of those pretty young girls that you teach. You could be a police officer and that attractive lady you just pulled over for speeding makes an offer that you might not want to refuse. The point is if you are a guy, then this will always be something that will present itself.

I have found that at times it is even not about status or attractiveness. I have seen some guys who have children with a number of women be some sad looking dudes and even well-known deadbeats.

Sex is powerful and the power and reality of seduction is real and alive and well for guys (and gals). Guys don’t always assume you’re the only one in the relationship that might stray. Even though you might think you are a dreamboat and the best lover she’s ever had some other guy might just be a little bit slicker than you.

When the line is crossed and an affair has been engaged in there are so many results that can happen. Sometimes it ends up on the news. The headline reads: Jealous Husband Kills Wife’s Lover.

For Tyler, he married his first affair. The second, he ran from as fast as possible.

To close let’s ponder these questions:

Honestly, guys do you not look and maybe like about someone other than your partner?

Do you often look and let your imagination do the rest?

Do you think going somewhere like a strip club is cool because you aren’t actually going to have sex?

Maybe, guys, you just flat out sleep around on your partner! You’ve done it once, twice, so many times you don’t even know.

Maybe you’re one of those slick guys that hides everything well. Maybe you have had so much success playing that you identify yourself as one of the best.

The reality is guys when toes start crossing lines there is always a price to be paid by someone.

There’s no way I’m going to condemn a guy for noticing a beautiful woman. Heck, what turns you on turns you on. If it’s long legs or long blonde hair, when you happen on it just in course of daily activity it happens.

The question of how we will define ourselves as men is what we do next? Do we flirt and see how far we can go? Do we remain true to our partners and say to ourselves something like “she’s hot” and keep walking?

Some people like to call this temptation, I simply call it life. Men and women are sexual beings. Both are going to see, feel, or think of something that attracts them. To deny that is a lie. Believe that lie if you must. I don’t feel that guys need to see this as some ragging battle they must fight. I have seen books in Christian bookstores that are titled things like everyman’s struggle and it be about sexual issues. At some point men, we have to realize what our attractions are and not necessarily broadcast them to our partners or on social media. I won’t suggest you tweet or give your status on Facebook as: “I like big butts and I cannot lie!!!” (Remember that song? You might be too young!)


Image Credit: mtv.com

Be honest with yourself about what gets your sexual thoughts and attention. Be honest with yourself about that seemingly innocent relationship that inside you know isn’t something you hope remains innocent. Then you have to do some serious thinking. Cross that line. Pay that price. Each guy is faced with that question and each will have a different answer.

Here’s a final thought: no matter how often and how long an inappropriate sexual relationship goes for you…when the bill comes due how will you pay it? Will the cost be worth it? I had a middle school teacher who was a killer on us chewing gum. When caught, we had to write 500 times… “I doubled my pleasure. I doubled my fun. Now I must pay for chewing my gum.”



– Christian Chandler

TWITTER: @AuthorChrisC


Email: authorchrischandler@icloud.com