Valentine’s Day, aka “Saturday”


broken_heart

Recently, I was asked what I’m doing for Valentine’s Day. Simple answer – skipping it. That’s right,  normally I refer to this day as “VD” but this year I’m just calling it “Saturday”. This year I am not spending a dime or putting in a minute of effort in an attempt to make some girl happy for one day.

In past years, I’ve gone the distance with cards, flowers, candy, jewelry, paintings, poetry, stuffed animals, candles, romantic dinners and Robocop. That’s right, Robocop. Okay, that chick flick was more for me. And the fact that all that effort was rarely for the same girl two years in a row really says something about their appreciation for the planning, the work, the week’s pay that had to be sacrificed in order to make them happy.

robocop

Guys, wake up! By March, some of you will discover that she’s cheating. Some will finally get tired of her blaming you for every little problem she has. Her craziness will cause some of you to snap. All within a month of you going out of your way to make her February 14th special. Why go through all the effort for something that, statistically, is doomed to fail? Over half of all marriages end in divorce. That statistic doesn’t even go into how many unhappy marriages end in suicide. Not to mention, how many relationships don’t even make it to marriage? How many engagements end every year? I know, if you’re in a happy (for now) relationship, you’re reading this and thinking that you’re the exception. “Oh not me. Not my relationship. My girlfriend is perfect and we’re happy.” While it makes me chuckle, I don’t take pride in knowing how wrong you will someday be proven to be. Guys, if she’s really that good, she could at least wait until the 15th for a holiday that I’ve coined “I Love You 75% Off Day”.

And, why is the pressure on you anyway? Why is it the guy who is responsible for making the midpoint of February a good day for the lady, and not the other way around? It’s not even a mutual thing. Feminists will go on and on about how everything should be equal, but have no problem with being showered with gifts without putting in even half as much effort in return. There’s no holiday for guys to be showered with gifts. “Steak and a Blowjob Day” is considered a joke based on this realization. But, why isn’t there a guy appreciation day? Where’s the equality?

Steak-and-Blow-Job-Day

This year, I’ve successfully avoided having a girlfriend in February. And, to those of you who read this and think I’m a jerk (first of all, ladies, this is “Stuff Dudes Like”) it actually has taken some effort to keep girls in a “very close friend” zone in order to not get anyone’s hopes up that I might spend the little money I do have on them this year.

Valentine’s Day is a scam by Hallmark to profit on the desperate attempts of dopey guys who are trying to hold their doomed fairy tale relationship together for just a little longer before it comes to a very realistic end. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (even on Valentine’s Day) and can be reached at 1 (800) 273-8255.

 

– Jason Smith

Twitter: @ComedianJasonS