The Tattooless Man


The man with a plan thinking ink will do the trick; chicks love those rebellions. Imagine laying on the beach, spread out with a tribal tattoo across one’s chest, or perhaps a nice “I love mom,” to show off his biceps. There’s also those fish loving gems, swimming over his triceps. Whichever it may be, this Tattooless Man is probably thinking, ink would help him get laid. He’s heard it all the time from the women in his life such as his mother, sister and hot friend who, treats him like one of the ladies about how sexy it is.

tatts

Image Credit: fox.com

Building this up in his head and taking it to extreme measures, where he posts on his facebook and asks his six hundred “friends” what he should get. The responses he received were filled with superfluous ideas, ranging between female legs with his pits used as a hoo-ha to the Incredible Hulk slapped on his buttcheeks. One of his closer friends nearly convinced him to get that hot glistening Vampire from the Twilight series to go on his pelvis since, “chicks love sparkling Goths!”

Now this Tattooless Man has a few ideas rolling through his mind, the choices are endless for him. He takes a stroll through the park with his little Black Poodle, in hopes he would get lucky since, chicks dig small cute puppies as well. Unfortunately, he could not escape the luxurious ink that laid upon these taken men, which made him furious. This Tattooless Man scuttled home, dropped off his pup and ran to the nearest bar to give himself a good old fashioned pity party.

Ahh, the Pub, which is his home away from home. The Tattooless Man orders from the Bartender, who of course happens to be incredibly attractive and has a full sleeve tattoo on her left arm. She smiles at him and says “well it’s noon somewhere.” The Tattooless Man looks at his phone, seeing it is only eleven o’clock, he then calls out to the Bartender “I’ll have a double.” She winks at him and fixes his usual, a Whiskey Sour.

bartender

Image Credit: flickr.com

One hour passes by along with four double Whiskey Sours, the Tattooless Man closes out his tab and yells out, “I’m gonna do it!” The Bartender gives him a high five and says, “you only live once.” He looks at her, nods in amazement, as though he figured out the cure for herpes and says, “Thank you! All we have is, NOW!” The Tattooless Man stumbles out of the bar.

It is around twelve thirty which is the usual time when the locals gather together in unison, heading towards their favorite lunch spot. The Tattooless Man looks at every single one of them, as his head tilts higher in egotistical confidence. He’s feeling like a celebrity, poised as ever as he walks towards the Tattoo Shoppe.

Inside the Tattoo parlor there is one Dude picking out a movie to play on the small flat screen TV, and a young Pink Haired Chick in the back vaping while playing solitaire. The Tattooless Man walks in and says, “I’m ready!” The Dude and Pink Haired Chick look up at him, giving him a frightening stare. The Tattooless Man is very lucky that if it wasn’t for those Whiskey Sours, he would have ran away at this point. He continues to speak, “Give me INK!” The Dude looks at him, “What are you looking for?” The Tattooless Man slurring, replies with, “What…Everrrr will help me get some psss….ayyy” The Pink Haired Chick rolls her eyes and escapes out the back door. The Dude gathers his composure and continues, “Here’s a book of our designs.” The Tattooless Man closes the book, “I don’t need a book…I need the ink slapped on right here,” pointing to his back. The Dude looks around the empty parlor, looks at him, rolls his eyes and says, “OK, have a seat.”

Six hours later, the Tattooless Man is greeted by his Black Poodle while painfully walking into his apartment. He goes to his fridge, grabs a beer and heads to the sofa. He slowly sits down, pops open his beer and takes a deep breath. The Tattooless Man takes off his shirt revealing his hard dicktat.

 

– Zenae D. Zukowski

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