I’ll Put A Bee in Your Bonnet!

I don’t know about you folks in the world wide internet, but I’m tired. “Tired, Matt?” Yes, tired! Get with the program!

I’m tired of all these Amish women and these pacifier-having larger than normal “babies” and their doofy little hats! Here, I’ll say it: I’m tired of bonnets!


Image Credit: katrinasampson.wordpress.com

Bonnets? Bonnets! Get with it, I won’t tell you again!

I don’t know about you, but I think the only time brimless hats should be allowed is when you’re shoving your head up your own ass to avoid modern-day hat trends! I mean come on! There are “caps”, “beanies”, “coifs”, “sock hats”, “tiny top hats”, “fishermans’ caps”, “berets” and so many more!

Why stick with a type of hat that has been around since the Dark Ages? The only other thing we use from the Dark Ages is religious piety borne out of fear, and even that’s on its way out! Why hold on to the past like a developmentally challenged poodle; all snug and tight- making sure he doesn’t jump in the pool?

Let’s just run through the scenario: I was in an Amish reservation that the government doled out after we took their land, when my gas light came on- I was hesitant to stop for fear of banditry and rape. I had to pull off the next exit or else I would be a gasless and thus sitting duck for the aforementioned Amish banditry and rape.

The local Arco was desolate and thus my fear of the twice previously mentioned brutal Amish banditry and rape was at its peak. I fought my instinct to flee, knowing Amish bandits and rapers would want that (those sick bastards), and I went in to purchase gas.

Lo and behold, what was the clerk wearing but a baby-blue bonnet! I gagged almost immediately. How horrible?! The way those little ribbons dangled from her chin like tendrils from a Na’vi’s sexual exploits, and the way her ears and hair were perfectly covered but her forehead remained in plain sight, made me reel. I audibly gasped a few times, laid a twenty down and mustered the words “twenty, on four.”

After I narrowly avoided the invisible Amish bandit and raper threat, I began filling the car. I was in the clear until I heard her. “Sir! Sir!” I peered around the gas pump. Her baby-blue brimless bonnet was just flapping in the wind- chin bow-tie and all! Its form is enigma. I am not sure what I saw, but whatever it was, it changed me. I was Debra Messing in the Mothman Prophecies, Moses on Mt. Sinai, Harrison Ford! After I fell to the ground instantly weeping and wailing, she backed off; I’d won in a way.


Image Credit: Paramount Pictures

As I drove away I trembled. Reeking of piss and shit, I couldn’t help feeling like I had changed in some imperceptible way. Everything was different.

If you are ready to see and understand God, by all means, wear and appreciate bonnets. I personally am of the persuasion that we humans cannot perceive God and survive.

So please don’t wear bonnets.


– Matt Walker

Twitter: @mattwindwalker