Green Pooh… I Mean Poo


It’s that time once again… time to jump into the way back machine and read a story I wrote way back when the internet still came through the phone lines.

Please excuse the inane amount of nonsense I speak. It was a different time…

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It was the summer and I was 12 years old. My childhood best friend Mike and I went to our other friend’s house (whose name I will keep out of this story). We walked over there to see if he wanted to come out and play. The whole way their all Mike did was talk about how he had to go pee, but he wouldn’t go on in a bush or on the side of a building. When we got to our friend’s house house, we had to walk up a flight of stairs because he lived in the upper apartment. When Mike looked at all those stairs he almost peed his pants. We walked all the way up and rang his doorbell but no one answered. Mike had to pee so bad that he asked me to be the look out as he walked over to the corner of the hallway… he unzipped and started to pee right in the hallway!! He wouldn’t pee in a bush outside or on the side of a building but in the hallway of someones house? Why not?!? Just as he zipped up his pants the door opened. Our friend was standing there with a look of glee. He told us we needed to see something that he made just before we got there. If it wasn’t for that need to show us something he might have noticed the liquid stream headed towards the stairs from the corner.

We walked into his house and he told us to go with him into the bathroom. We both were wondering what it was he could have made in the bathroom but as we walked in it became very very obvious.

As we walked in the smell of peanuts and ham was overwhelming. He told us to look into the toilet and what we saw was something that still haunts me to this day. What was it you ask? Green poo!!

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It was a 3-foot long green turd in the toilet!! It was circling the toilet and it was just one single turd. No other regular turds, no nuggets just one long green poo log. And you know what the worst part was? There was no toilet paper in there with it!!!

I asked him where the paper was and he just laughed like I was joking with him or something. He said that it was so great he wasn’t gonna flush it away until he could get a picture of it. We went in to the living room to play Nintendo before he photographed it. We started to play a game of Crash ‘n the Boys followed by a game of The Defenders of Dynatron City because those were the only games he had.

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I guess it was okay to leave it in there because the only other one home was his sister and she was in her room listening to music or something. Well, until she had to pee that is. We didn’t notice her go to the bathroom because we were right in the middle of a Street Challenge with Crash ‘n the Boys, but we sure noticed when we heard the yell.

She screamed louder than I have ever heard another human scream. She yelled, “What in the world is this?? It’s GREEN!! Get in here and flush this thing or I’m gonna tell mom on you!!” He told her to flush it herself, but she didn’t seem to happy about that statement. She ran into the living room and pulled him by his hair into the bathroom. She told him to flush it before she put his head in the toilet. He flushed it away and walked out mumbling something about punching her in the face. Just as he sat back down in front of the TV she yelled again “Why wasn’t there any toilet paper in there????” He just laughed and we continued to play Nintendo. If only we had taken a pic of it… I guess the one below will have to do.

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The moral of the story?? If you poo and it’s long and green take a picture and save it forever because you never know when a time will come when you want to rite a story about it on the internet…

 

– Sam Zane

TWITTER: @SameSamFromB4