Dont Quit the Spit

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We all do it in one style or another: the morning drippage, the slow dribble, the grassy knoll, the spittoon-er etc. Why, though? If you’re tired of coming up with answers, use this one: it’s so patriotically sexy.

What do I mean by patriotically sexy? I mean hot and bothered, red, white and blue, warm, grand old flag, boiling, war-mongering, attractive for sex, the ol’ one-two, warmer than temperate, tropical, or bonerfied.

Now, I realize I may be “off my rocker,” I might have “flown the coop” or my looney-bin has “surprisingly” great wi-fi, but while I was on-set yesterday on task with my walkie-talkie on my belt, I found myself in dire need of an ice-pack for my American junk. ‘Who knew I should have planned ahead?’ methinks rhetorically.

Go ahead and ask yourself, “why’s that, Matt” and get ready for the answer. Well, my impatient ignoramus, had you simply waited half a second you would have found out; stop interrupting. Nearly every single crewman that I passed would be laying out the clear, bubbly, and disconcertingly red wet carpet for me- welcoming me to the greenish-yellow promised land.

Hocking one’s great! Got an eyelash in there? To misquote a popular Will Smith’s daughter’s song: “spit your hair back and forth.” Got some gum back there? To misquote a popular Caesar’s song, “spit it out!” Playing truth or dare? To quote my dentist, “go ahead, spit. I double dog dare you.” He’s pretty off.


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I’m just pleading with everyone out there, don’t quit the spit. It… gets me. I’ve also spoken to roughly all my friends and one of them agreed with me (he/she quickly became my only friend). He/she and I both like to say, “lay it on me like a fat chewy lugey.” You can quote me on that. Don’t quote him/her. He/she would like to stay anonymous.

Call me old fashioned, but I would like to go back to the days when we could spit indoors. Oh, I’M SORRY, is this bothering you? Get over yourself, and with the times Grandpa, and Grammy Walk-walk! What is this? The Indo-European Himalayas during the colonial fur trade? This is America! Move along, pal!

“It just isn’t healthy, I don’t know why anyone still spits [indoors]” vomits Dr. Eric “Vagina” Johnson5, “there are germs in there that can spread many very harmful diseases,” he continues to say without being asked. “I think it’s about time people stopped spitting on the ground; indoors AND outdoors.” What a crock.

Now, you have some facts and lies but I just want you be the judge of your own trial. Should we give up our basic freedoms and sexual fetishes just so people have clean un-spitified soles? Plessy vs Ferguson 163 U.S. 537 (1896).

How will that weigh upon the hearts and minds- dare I mention- SOULS of those with a small voice and a possibly malignant lugey? I, for one, will not be writing to congress anytime soon to beg them to outlaw the expulsion of saliva.

I. Just. Won’t. Do it.

What will happen to our great AMERICAN interrogation scenes? Who will sing the song “Click, Click, Boom?” What will Dr. Dre, Macklemore and Fat Joe do? “Quickly speak” hot fire? What card games would we play with our Grammy Walk-walk? Poker? I hardly know her! What will I call my [now] only friend that looks just like me?

I’d rather not live in that kind of world; no, thank you sir! I have a dream, that one day all men and women will not be judged by the color of their skin, but rather the contents of their throats, mouths, and their ability to expel said contents in a juicy wet orchestration fit for God himself.


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– Matt Walker

Twitter: @mattwindwalker