“But I thought I could change him,” she said in tears to a group of same age ladies. “You just can’t change men. They are dogs,” the chorus joins in response as they offer the sympathy that is called for in a potential break up occasion.

“You’re too good for him. You deserve better.” Blah, Blah, Blah.

This scene has been played out by wives and girlfriends throughout the years as they justify to themselves why they either dislike their guy or why they are leaving or divorcing their guy.


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So, guys, according to that special lady in your life your main goal in life is to change: change into exactly who they want you be.

Today, I want to debunk the whole idea that women really do indeed want you to change. Let’s take it a couple steps further.

One, they really have no idea of how exactly they want you to “change.” Basically, women can’t really say in detail how they want us guys to be. Instead they have this Disney movie imagine of guys that the actual traits cannot be explained. The message is really this from our women: “I want you, but just not the way you are!”

Second, the woman’s chant that “you just cannot change a man” is often simply not true. Guys, I want to make you aware of this: if you have done something, if you have some traits she deems undesirable then even if you actually decide to mold yourself into the imagine of you she holds in her head—she will never really let you “change.”


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Insert disclaimer here: some guys are just bad. They do some mean stuff. Those are not the guys I’m talking about here. The guys that this article is referring to are the guys that are trying to please the lady in their life but seem to stay confused as to exactly what that lady wants. These guys truly love their lady, but the rules that you have to play by seem to change constantly.

Here is a word picture for you: your lady is holding the target and you are the archer with the bow and your intention is to hit the target dead center. Yet, as your lady holds the target she is darting left and right and forward and backwards. She is doing the tango and you are trying to focus on that sweet spot of the target.

Guys, let me share this secret with you: if you do discover who they want you to change into, they will never accept the changes you have made.

Case in point: a middle-aged married man has spent years being deceptive with his wife. The root of his deception isn’t that he is really a bad guy but there often isn’t a “truth” that his wife would ever accept anyway. The husband knows he is in a no win situation. If there is something he wants to do and he says so up front it will be trouble. So before he does something he could tell but then there would be so much bitching that the husband says to himself, “I’ll just do it and try to hide it.”

I hate to break this to you guys but our ladies are like blood hounds. They will find you out. Basically, guys are no good at hiding things. No matter how smart you are and no matter what your plan is to just try and get by with even a small thing the problem is how you hide it.

You will get tripped up by that simple thing you say that starts the prosecution giving you the cross examination. Once that starts it is just a matter of minutes before you break.

If it is an item you have purchased and you place it somewhere thinking you have hit pay dirt and there is no way you will be discovered, let me clue you in to something you need to be aware. If anything is moved a quarter inch or in their daily snooping they will find your item and then the prosecution will not only question they will present the evidence to the judge. Oh yeah, let me add, they are the prosecution and the judge.

Then, this guy decides in himself that he really does want his relationship to change. He is weary of the fights over the simple things he does. He seeks inside himself and thinks over all those battles he has lost and he figures out what it seems like she wants and the process of becoming that Disney concept starts.

A couple months come and go and she starts to notice that you are the same “evil” you were.

At first, the change will seem to pay off. She will start being sweet and loving on you and saying stuff such as “who are you?” You’re chest my puff out a bit and you might think to yourself that you are the dude and you got this. You have discovered that mythical secret of being the man that they said couldn’t change but did. In your mind, you are already the center of the celebration parade and the party is ready to start. You have become a hero and if men could just do what you did then they would have it. Heck, you think to yourself, I need to tell my buddies I have it all figured out.

Here’s a word to the wise: this is just the beginning of your troubles.

After this wise husband has become a hero soon something that you didn’t even think about happens and she will deem it suspect. The questions will come just like before but this time instead of the furious attack her method will change.

She will come at you with an attitude that has already convicted you but in the guise of giving you a fair trial and that being innocent stuff.

You can be completely honest. You might have done something but it seems so insignificant to you that you didn’t once think about it or even realize anything could ever possibly be made of that “thing.”

I mean besides if you did and you were that old “evil” guys you would have at least tried to hide it. Yet, the need to hide it never entered your mind. I mean there was nothing to hide…right???


Then she will use that magic word, “pattern.”

She will say something like this: “I thought you had changed but things keep happening like this. It is part of a pattern and nothing has changed.”


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This is the reason there are a million books on the store shelves and on Amazon that tell her how to change you and give her all the traits she needs to look for in you. Then there are a million more that tell her to watch you because if you seem to be doing things right you probably aren’t and she is just missing something.

Then there are another million books, mostly with the theme the guy is the problem, in the disguise of marriage books on the shelves or on Amazon. Your woman probably has a library of these books on her Kindle.

I saw one recently that was titled, “Ten Ways to be Her Hero.”

Okay, I have no basic problem with that concept, but when is the last time you saw a million books with the theme that she needs to be what you need and want her to be?


– Christian Chandler

TWITTER: @AuthorChrisC