Spider-Man Pasta


It’s that time once again… time to jump into the way back machine and read a story I wrote way back when the internet still came through the phone lines.

Please excuse the foul language and poor English. It was a different time…

 

spidermanpasta

First I have to start by saying that I HATE Chef Boyardee pasta. So things I say in this story are because of my hatred for the Chef and all his shitty pastas, not Spider-Man or any other character that has been forced to be a slave of The Chef when they should have had their own Spaghetti-O’s flavor like Waldo from “Where’s Waldo… there he is on the Spaghetti-O can where he should be!” and Sonic the Spaghetti-O eatin Hedgehog. You got three great Spider-Man shapes in each can, Spider-Man’s face, a spider web and Spider-Man’s whole “embarrassed to be there” body. I have always wondered how The Chef stays in business with all those crappy flavors of shit… I mean PASTA he has to offer the unsuspecting youth of America. The can even had a fun little story (or whatever it was) written by The Chef himself… or at least I assume it was written by him. Who else would have written it?? Anyway here’s what it says, (anything in parenthesis is my own addition):

Swing into meal-time action with Chef Boyardee’s Spider-Man pasta in tomato & cheese sauce! There’s nothing cooler than helping Spider-Man bring bad guys to justice-except when it means enjoying a hot and hearty meal while doing it! (So make sure you eat something OTHER than this shit!) Chef Boyardee’s Spider-Man features power packed enriched pasta and cheese, enveloped in a super tomato sauce. Kids love the pasta shaped like their favorite wall-crawling crime fighter (It’s just to bad they don’t like the taste!). And because it’s a Good Source of Calcium, and there is no MSG (Or any good flavors), Moms love that it’s a meal they can feel good about (Moms that hate there kids and want to make them suffer love it). Be a hero (and stay far far away from the evil chef and his nasty pasta!!). Give your kids Chef Boyardee’s Spider-Man pasta in tomato & cheese sauce (And your kids will hate you for the rest of their lives! Or the rest of yours… which ever comes first).

chef

I remember the first time I bought a can of Spider-Man pasta… well actually I bought 3 cans and I still have 2 of them! In fact, I’m looking at 1 of them right now as I write this. I found it in the way way back of my cabinet today while I was looking for a delicious can of yummy yummy Spaghetti-O’s. Unfortunately for me all I found was this can of bad memories. It was a Sunday afternoon and my mom took me with her to the corner store for some yummy treats. I really wanted some Mac & Cheese but my mom said that eating one box a day for 2 weeks was just about enough for now.

I had to find another great eating source. Then I saw it!! Spider-Man pasta!!! I was so overjoyed I peed a little bit and I had to use a mad magazine to clean up my little mess before my mom saw me and made me stay in the basement for a week again, eating cold hot dogs and drinking Tang.

Tang_Orangutan

I picked up the can and marveled at the picture of Spidey on it. He was swinging and he looked so much like the Spiderific man that graced so many great Spider approved products. I will never forget that day… I opened the can as soon as I got home from the store and put it in the microwave. Luckily my mom noticed I had put a can in the micro before it exploded and made me take it out and put the pasta in a bowl. I put it in my favorite Flintstones bowl, which I got when I was 5 and only used for cereal and the all mighty Spaghetti-O’s!! I even used the Mickey Mouse spoon I got when I was born because my hopes were so high for Spider-Man. I sniffed the Spidertastic sauce and that’s where my first problem started. It didn’t smell good… in fact it didn’t even smell like food. It smelled like a wet dog after it had shit all over itself. I figured that even though it smelled so bad it would taste great because Spider-Man would never ever endorse a bad product.

The webbed one hadn’t let me down yet… not in the comics, not in video games, not in cartoons and surely he wouldn’t let me down when it came to my eating needs right? Wrong! He let me down in every way imaginable when it came to that shitty ass pasta. I took my first spoon full and tears filled my eyes… it was that bad. I took 2 more spoon fulls and then threw that “pasta”, and my beloved bowl in the trashcan. I just couldn’t imagine eating out of it again after molesting it the way I did with that shit. I kept the spoon but to this day I still haven’t used it again knowing that it had the Chef’s tomato & cheese sauce on it. Thinking that if I ate anything else with it some of that taste might somehow get into whatever it is I’m eating made using that spoon impossible. I ended up eating a tuna sandwich and then spent the next 2 hours sitting on the toilet shooting out a spider web of my own into the water below.

spiderman

Maybe it’s just me I dunno. Maybe somewhere someplace some kids out there actually like and don’t get diarrhea from The Chef and his pasta from hell. Maybe somewhere kids rejoice when Mom walks in the door with a few cans of The Chef’s tomato & cheese sauce pasta… but if such a place exists I sure as hell am glad to live so far away from there that I’ve never heard of it. In a perfect world Spider-Man would have graced a can of Spaghetti-O’s where he belongs. But at least I can eat super hero Mac & Cheese and Superman pretzels!

Superman_Pretzels_8oz

Then again with the new Spider-man film being such a smash hit, the webbed one is once again all over foods I love to eat and thanks to the movie I can eat Spider-Man cereal, Pop Tarts and drink a bottle of Spider-Man water all knowing that they are much better than that shit in a can that the Chef of Boyardee calls pasta.

And its not like I haven’t given the Chef other chances. Once I saw a commercial with The Rock for the Chef’s shitty pasta and I thought maybe at some point it may have gotten better and didn’t taste like road kill anymore. But I was soooo wrong. It was like The Rock had laid the smack down on my mouth and on my stomach because after I ate it I ended up throwing up things I hadn’t eating in weeks and I finally found my Weapon X action figure I lost when I was 9. So in some ways the Chef helped but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever trust his Chef ass again.

If you love the Chef and all his different flavors of urine soaked noodles… then good for you. But then again some people also liked Ninja Turtle frozen pizza and Kaboom cereal…

 

– Keith White Jr.

Follow Me @KeefWhiteJr