Archives for March2015


I’ll Put A Bee in Your Bonnet!

I don’t know about you folks in the world wide internet, but I’m tired. “Tired, Matt?” Yes, tired! Get with the program!

I’m tired of all these Amish women and these pacifier-having larger than normal “babies” and their doofy little hats! Here, I’ll say it: I’m tired of bonnets!

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Image Credit: katrinasampson.wordpress.com

Bonnets? Bonnets! Get with it, I won’t tell you again!

I don’t know about you, but I think the only time brimless hats should be allowed is when you’re shoving your head up your own ass to avoid modern-day hat trends! I mean come on! There are “caps”, “beanies”, “coifs”, “sock hats”, “tiny top hats”, “fishermans’ caps”, “berets” and so many more!

Why stick with a type of hat that has been around since the Dark Ages? The only other thing we use from the Dark Ages is religious piety borne out of fear, and even that’s on its way out! Why hold on to the past like a developmentally challenged poodle; all snug and tight- making sure he doesn’t jump in the pool?

Let’s just run through the scenario: I was in an Amish reservation that the government doled out after we took their land, when my gas light came on- I was hesitant to stop for fear of banditry and rape. I had to pull off the next exit or else I would be a gasless and thus sitting duck for the aforementioned Amish banditry and rape.

The local Arco was desolate and thus my fear of the twice previously mentioned brutal Amish banditry and rape was at its peak. I fought my instinct to flee, knowing Amish bandits and rapers would want that (those sick bastards), and I went in to purchase gas.

Lo and behold, what was the clerk wearing but a baby-blue bonnet! I gagged almost immediately. How horrible?! The way those little ribbons dangled from her chin like tendrils from a Na’vi’s sexual exploits, and the way her ears and hair were perfectly covered but her forehead remained in plain sight, made me reel. I audibly gasped a few times, laid a twenty down and mustered the words “twenty, on four.”

After I narrowly avoided the invisible Amish bandit and raper threat, I began filling the car. I was in the clear until I heard her. “Sir! Sir!” I peered around the gas pump. Her baby-blue brimless bonnet was just flapping in the wind- chin bow-tie and all! Its form is enigma. I am not sure what I saw, but whatever it was, it changed me. I was Debra Messing in the Mothman Prophecies, Moses on Mt. Sinai, Harrison Ford! After I fell to the ground instantly weeping and wailing, she backed off; I’d won in a way.

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Image Credit: Paramount Pictures

As I drove away I trembled. Reeking of piss and shit, I couldn’t help feeling like I had changed in some imperceptible way. Everything was different.

If you are ready to see and understand God, by all means, wear and appreciate bonnets. I personally am of the persuasion that we humans cannot perceive God and survive.

So please don’t wear bonnets.

 

– Matt Walker

Twitter: @mattwindwalker
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Vegetarian or Douchebag?

Before I start this little rant, let me begin by saying that I have nothing personal against anyone or vegetarians in general. It’s a life choice and I respect that. But don’t bullshit me on why you chose to become one.

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Image Credit: funny-pics.biz

Have you ever been in a restaurant and overheard someone declare themselves a vegan/vegetarian? When I hear this, a few different thoughts go through my mind.

  1. “Why are you eating here then?” Chances are if I’m there, their main dishes are meat on more meat covered in the drippings of a third meat.
  2. “Why are you declaring this for everyone to hear? Just order something that’s not meat.” You don’t hear people declaring their allergy of peanuts everywhere they eat. You may hear them ask if peanuts are in it or around it, but that’s about it- and that is a legit medical reason.
  3. And my final thought, which answers both of those. “You pretentious douche.”

Now if you’ve made this dietary choice based on health or something like that- move along, nothing to see here. As a matter of fact, I respect you. Giving up meat isn’t something I think I could do easily. And given a medical reason to do so, I know I’d have problems with it.

But here is the excuse that I call bullshit on every time. “I just feel like it’s wrong/immoral.”

Really!? Do you really? Let’s take a look at a good chunk of these pretentious douches. You feel like it’s wrong to eat an animal and further sustain your own life- a pretty just damn cause if you ask me. But you’ve got no problem dropping $300 on a pair of sneakers that was probably made by a 10 year old in a foreign country? The same goes for that brand new smart phone in your hand. What about your car? If your moral sense of responsibility is so damn high, why aren’t you riding a bike everywhere to save the planet?

I’ll tell you why. Because they don’t have a high sense of moral responsibility- even if they think they do. What they really have is a burning desire for attention. Why else would they eat somewhere that serves primarily meat and then proceed to declare their life choice loud enough for everyone to hear?

If you’re one of these pretentious douches, I have something to say: Get off your not-so-high horse. You want to make that life choice, more power to ya. But here’s a few rules of thumb:

  • Don’t declare it everywhere you go. No one cares and it makes you look like a tool.
  • Don’t try to make me feel guilty about eating it in your presence – You’re going to fail miserably as I devour half a cow out of spite.
  • Maybe stop buying the most trendy and expensive accessories. They’re causing the world leaps and bounds more hurt than me eating a steak.

You don’t see a lion stop in mid pounce onto a gazelle so it can contemplate the moral standing of what it’s about to do. The same should apply to us. It’s an indisputable fact that the human body is built to consume meat. Based on our teeth and digestive properties, we are equipped for it. The sense of moral is what separates us from wild animals. But that sense of moral is meant for more important things; like taking care of our planet and how we treat one another. Don’t belittle it by using it as an excuse to not do something your body was designed to do; and be an attention whore in the process.

Bottom line, if you claim to be a vegetarian because eating meat is wrong; yet you have the newest iPhone, a new pair of Nikes, a gas guzzling car and are pro-abortion – I have but one thing to say to you. Shut the hell up.

 

– Cameron Blevins

Follow me: @CamOnAir

 

Like Father… Like Son

Being a first time Dad to a 16-month old doesn’t lend to much time for writing. On the contrary it does offer a plethora of stories, memories and moments to write about and share.

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As any dad would know the stories of diaper accidents and spitting up food are abundant and I will try to spare you the gross details. However, from time to time I would like to stop by and share with you dudes some random fun stories that parenthood and life have brought along the way. I should start with introductions, Ya know…so you can get to know the family a little, makes the stories easier to follow. Names Chris and I’m lucky enough to have an amazing and beautiful fiancé, Amy. Together we made a happy lil guy named Joey, who will be the topic of most of my stories I’m sure. They say that the apple don’t fall far from the tree and in our little family this absolutely holds true. Not only does Joseph look a spitting image of me but he also enjoys watching sports, listening to good music and watching Tom & Jerry!
So, story time it is.

Flipping through the channels after dinner a few weeks ago I stumbled upon a classic. Almost Famous was on VH1, after peeling myself away to go clean up dinner dishes I had strapped Joey into his highchair and put on one of his 83 dvr’d Tom & Jerry episodes. With mom folding laundry in the other room and me in the kitchen Joey was completely content giggling as his two favorite cartoon animals chase and maim each other. Over the splashing of water in the kitchen sink I could hear what I thought was uncontrollable crying and hysterics from the living room, I called to Amy to check on little man. She rushes in to find him not crying, but literally rocking out to a live Guns n Roses concert! After his Cartoon ended the Dvr goes back to the last viewed channel, VH1 in this case, who followed Almost Famous up with some G-n-R.

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Image Credit: concert.ga

Mr. Brownstone to be exact and he started banging his toy screwdriver and hammer on his tray like it was a drum. Complete with raising his hands over his head, I see a drum stick twirl in the near future. The baby talk sing a long was by far my favorite part.

By the time I controlled my laughter and composed myself enough to reach for my phone to record this epic moment Mr. Brownstone had ended along with Joey’s jam session.

I won’t always have a moral to my lil stories here but if there is a take away from this one, let it be:

Never be too busy and wrapped up in life to miss the little things that make it all worth while. Also, have a great memory for the things that make you happy because life’s little moments happen fast and sometimes are over before you can get your phone out of your pocket.

Take care my friends!

 

– Chris Monroe

TWITTER: @turtle868

Buyer’s Remorse?

NFLOffseasonImage

Image Credit: latesthuddle.com

 

It is an exciting time of the year for a NFL football fan. Free Agency has started and this year we have seen more trades that I can remember in a long time. Although fans get very excited, in reality being the big buyers in Free Agency and trades in the offseason doesn’t necessarily transition into success, just look at the Redskins. I am going to tell you my top Winners and Losers so far.

Biggest Winner-New York Jets, Yes those New York Jets, they pulled in my opinion the biggest surprise in FA by getting Revis to come back. He is the best cover corner in the NFL. With this signing new coach Todd Bowles will be able to run his blitz heavy defense that was so successful in Arizona. Also signing Cromartie back was a huge decision. This Defense was stellar last year, but they had a poor secondary. Look for them to be top 3 in defense this year. Now if only they could get a quarterback and no Ryan Fitzpatrick doesn’t count.

Ryan-Fitzpatrick

Image Credit: inquisitr.com

Winner-Indianapolis Colts, been an interesting offseason for the Colts. They are just a few pieces away from a Super Bowl contender. Trent Cole was a great add they needed someone opposite Mathis who can pressure the quarterback. The move I liked the most was Andre Johnson, I think he will have a great year with Luck throwing to him. Reggie Wayne was released so they needed a good other option and they definitely received one. Finally their addition of Frank Gore will help out greatly. Gore is an adept runner and receiver and is one of the best blocking running backs in the NFL. Watch for the Colts they are definitely one of my front runners going into the season.

Winner-Buffalo Bills, they didn’t do much with their QB position, but they improved dramatically everywhere else. I loved the trade for LeSean McCoy he is one of the top 3 running backs in the league and he only cost the Bills a young linebacker who didn’t even play last year, plus McCoy is a great safety valve for their qb. Plus, the addition of Percy Harvin I actually like he seems to have built a rapport with Coach Ryan and putting him with McCoy and Sammy Watkins they have very explosive playmakers on this team. I like this team going forward until they address their QB position they won’t go too far in the playoffs, but they will be difficult to score on and will be able to score from anywhere on the field with McCoy, Watkins, and Harvin.

Biggest Loser-Philadelphia Eagles, Seriously what the fuck is Chip Kelly doing? They get rid of their three best offensive weapons and so they decide to bring in Sam Breakford, DeMarco Murray, Ryan Matthews, and Byron Maxwell while losing McCoy, Maclin, Foles, Cole, and a very good offensive lineman in Todd Herremans. We won’t know what to think till the season starts, but look for Philadelphia to struggle and taking on three players who have always been an injury risk is a bad move.

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Image Credit: memeaddicts.com

Loser-Dallas Cowboys, This is no surprise hearing the Cowboys are poorly run, and the way their salary cap has been kind of a mess in the last few years we knew they couldn’t sign all of their players, but the way they handled the offseason so far is pretty ridiculous. The Cowboys have lost Demarco Murray, Henry Melton, Justin Durant, and Bruce Carter while only retaining Doug Free and “insert laughter here” Darren McFadden. Cowboys it seems were not happy with success of last year and wanted to go back to their 8-8 seasons. I seriously think an NFC East team may win this division with a losing record this year. On top of this all they have alienated their best player Dez Bryant by franchising him instead of giving him a long term extension. By the way whatever happened to that Dez Bryant tape?

Loser-New Orleans Saints, Mickey Loomis and Chip Kelly are having a contest to see who will have the worst offseason and I think Chip Kelly is winning but by a slim amount. Let me just get this out there I hate the Saints I mean fucking hate them, they are almost at the same level of ate that I have for the Green Bay Packers. The NFC Championship game they won against my Vikings was a joke, and I will forever dislike them so this offseason has made me very happy. Let me get this straight he trades one of the best tight ends in league for a center with a huge contract and a draft pick, on top of that he trades Kenny Stills a good up and coming receiver for a bad linebacker with an even worse contract, and rumors are they are looking to trade Drew Brees. They are destroying this team and they will be a total joke this year.

 

– Jeff Bauer

TWITTER: @jbauer36

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Stern vs Shaffir

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 Image Credit: YouTube.com

From 1993 to 1997, I had spent many school bus rides listening to my Sony Walkman. I would tune in to the local rock station and listen to The Howard Stern Show. Howard, Robin, Gary, Fred, Jackie the Jokeman, Stuttering John and a whole cast of misfits known as “The Wack Pack” would get me through those very early morning rides to school. If I was lucky, my first period would be a study hall and I could sneak in some extra time listening with my headphones on and my head hidden behind a book. That may be my fondest memory of high school. Stern, along with David Letterman, George Carlin and my repeating the hilarious things I had heard to my friends, as few of them as there were, was really the Genesis of my career in stand-up comedy.

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 Image Credit: howardstern.com

I continued to listen beyond high school. For a period of time, I lived in Florida, just outside of the range to catch the Orlando feed of Howard Stern. I would still try to listen, dealing with as much static as I needed to. I’d occasionally listen to Stern’s Tampa rival, Bubba the Love Sponge, in disgust because I had been brainwashed to believe that any rival of Howard was the enemy. But, Bubba was cutting edge. He crossed boundaries that Howard never did. Begrudgingly, I became a closet Bubba fan. I was thankful to move back to New York, where I could again listen to Howard every morning. The show would change at around this time. Jackie would decide not to stay with the show, for financial reasons. Hilarious comedian Artie Lange took his place. Stuttering John left for a major opportunity as the announcer of The Tonight Show, which Stern hated.

Howard eventually moved to satellite radio, bringing a huge audience to Sirius with him. He was free from the restrictions put on him by the FCC and terrestrial radio. Uncensored and more entertaining than ever, it was can’t-miss radio for years! Howard would even bring his former rival Bubba the Love Sponge onboard as the afternoon guy. I could openly be a fan of Bubba! It was a great time to be a Stern fan! Sirius would later get rid of Bubba because he was too hardcore for even uncensored satellite radio. Howard married supermodel girlfriend, Beth O., despite many listeners reminding Howard of the years that he preached the evils of marriage. Artie Lange suffered through personal issues on and off the air, until things came to a halt and he was off the show. Stern signed on to judge a family friendly talent show on television. Wack Pack members would appear less frequently, and things became more politically correct. Wack Packer “Gary the Retard” was even renamed “Gary the Conqueror”. It got too much for me to continue listening when Howard started to hype up the Howard Stern Birthday Bash – an A-list celebrity gathering with the sole purpose of kissing Howard’s ass. His ego in the low years of the show was enough for me to search for something else to listen to, and I landed on Opie and Anthony. I could do a whole ‘nother article on what’s happened with O&A since then, but I still listen to Opie and Jimmy as well as Anthony Cumia’s podcast. I listen to the free best of the week version, because I’m a cheap bastard, but that’s enough for me right now. In addition, I listen to several other podcasts. Marc Maron’s WTF was the first podcast I became a fan of. Now, I listen to Maron, Bill Burr, Adam Carrolla, Jim Florentine, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin and more. They’re uncensored and free to say whatever they want. It reminds me of the first few years of Stern on Sirius. My listening tastes have evolved since 1993, and I’ve changed with the times. Technology is a beautiful thing. These days, anybody who wants to broadcast can do so. Everyone is given a fair opportunity, so the only way to achieve success is by being the best at it. That’s something Howard Stern didn’t have to compete with on his way up. In the 1980’s, only a handful of people were given the opportunities that Stern was given. He only had to prove himself over a few people. Who’s to say there wasn’t someone a lot more talented that just couldn’t get on the air? Since the podcast explosion, Howard has ranted several times that podcasting is a joke, and that “real” broadcasters go to radio school and beg to get on the air and wait for a ratings book to come in. However, he’s preaching for a medium that he himself has also claimed several times to be dead.

Terrestrial radio has long been dead. Few people still listen to AM/FM while satellite radio, iPods, podcasts and other forms of audio entertainment have taken over.

In his latest rant, Howard targets comedian Ari Shaffir, host of the Skeptic Tank podcast, because he took exception to some of the things Ari had to say about Stern on Joe Rogan’s podcast. Stern seemed rattled by things said on a show that he claims “7 people listen to”. There’s a lot of truth to what Ari had to say, though. Howard is out of touch these days. His better years are behind him.

Howard Stern attacks Ari Shaffir

I once was a loyal Stern listener who couldn’t imagine what the world would be like if Howard retired. Now, I feel like he should have decided to walk away at the last contract negotiations. He and his show are as out of touch as my Walkman from 1993. Podcasts offer a more enjoyable listen. Howard should stick to the family game shows.

Ari Shaffir, the comedian that Howard claims to be unsuccessful, has his second stand-up special of 2015, “Passive Aggressive”, as well as his storytelling series airing on Comedy Central, “This Is Not Happening”. Check local listings.

Ari Shaffir responds to Howard Stern.

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– Jason Smith

Twitter: @ComedianJasonS

Dude to Dude with Dropkick Murphys Drummer Matt Kelly

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 Image Credit: Dropkick Murphys

Whether you have Celtic heritage or not, St. Patrick’s Day brings out the Irish in us all, and so does this group. When I heard that Dropkick Murphys were doing a show in a (fairly) nearby town, I jumped at the chance to request an interview. While I wasn’t able to speak with the group in person, I was able to land an email based interview with drummer, Matt Kelly.

Being one of my favorite bands, it was quite a challenge to rein in my excitement and come up with some level headed questions. If you’ve ever read any of my pieces, I love to give dudes advice (or my opinions if you will) on life. Being a massively popular group who’ve made album after album of great music and toured the world, I was intrigued as to what kind of advice Kelly could give about life in general. To my surprise, he gave me not just one, but three. “1. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind, but know when to hold your tongue. 2. Nobody else in public places wants to hear your music, so use headphones. 3. A true test of your character is what you do and how you act when you’re alone.” Great advice that applies to all dudes at any level- famous or not.

It was announced on the DKM Facebook page in late January that the guys are in the process of starting another album. When I asked about it, Kelly says “that is true, yes we are working on new stuff.” He says the group is set to begin recording in late May. As far as a time frame for pushing it through, he says “the sooner the better of course, but we won’t be putting anything to tape that we don’t fully back.”

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 Image Credit: Dropkick Murphys

Lead singer Al Barr has been quoted previously saying “we’ve always said we’re like The Ramones or AC/DC with what we do; if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But at the same time, we have to keep challenging ourselves. And if we find that tunes we’re putting together for a record are boring us, we’re not going to record them.” After reading this quote, I was very curious as to how many songs they have chopped over the years. Kelly says he guesses that over the years there’s only been five or six songs that they reviewed and went “ahhhh… nope!” over. He goes on to say that “they’d come together as songs, and were just not up to snuff or were just bizarre. We actually even recorded most of the basic tracks for one of them during the “Sing Loud, Sing Proud” sessions, but it never saw the light of day.”

Building upon the mystery of these never pursued songs, I asked if any such songs were ever revisited and later released. The answer nearly floored me, as one of their most popular tunes nearly didn’t make the cut. Kelly says “yeah, oddly enough it was “I’m Shipping Up To Boston”. We did a horrible, poorly-played, demo-quality recording of it, and then revisited it a couple years later.”

With musical groups today, we’re seeing a large and very short turn-around time. I like to call it a revolving door industry. One group that’s popular today may not even get radio air-time six months from now. “I think it’s (the music industry) in a strange period of flux right now” Kelly says. “It certainly isn’t what it was twenty years ago, and isn’t what it will be in twenty years. It’s a very strange time for a band to be putting out records, because the old ways of marketing them are pretty much out the door.”

When asked about the long term vision for the group, Kelly had this to say “we just want to do this until we can’t anymore. So far we’ve met some serious milestones along the way, most of which we never would have dreamed of when we started out. I’m really thankful for the huge, loyal following we’ve amassed over the years. Somehow it just keeps getting bigger and bigger— you really can’t ask for more than that. I guess in a nutshell, my personal vision would be for the band’s continuing success while retaining a degree of personal anonymity. If we somehow earn an iota of the coolness or longevity of the Ramones, I think we can say we’re doing something right.”

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 Image Credit: Dropkick Murphys

It was recently announced that Boston, Massachusetts is one of the finalist cities in consideration for the 2024 Summer Olympics. Being based just outside of Boston, I was curious if the band would be interested in doing a show at or in conjunction with the games. Kelly says “it would basically be in my back yard, so it’d be a nightmare for me… as far as playing it, I think there are more appropriate bands for such an event.”

Anyone who knows anything about DKM knows that over the years they’ve been huge supporters of unions and charities. I asked, what charities are closest to the group’s hearts? He says “we actually started a charity called the Claddagh Fund. It raises moneys to three main worthy causes: underprivileged children’s charities, drug and alcohol recovery and wounded veteran care.” More info on the Claddagh Fund can be found at: http://www.claddaghfund.org/cf/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171&Itemid=220

Finally, for my last question, I had to settle a debate. When thinking of questions for this interview, I consulted a long-time friend (as I sometimes do), Logan. He suggested that I ask where they’d spend St. Patrick’s Day, insisting that because they’re an Irish punk rock group, they’d want to spend it out in bars. I disagreed, saying that if they weren’t on tour, they’d want to be at home with family and friends. This debate sparked and landed into a “Phonebook Bet.” Now if you’re unclear on what this is, here’s the skinny. Basically, the winner gets to strike the loser across the face with a predetermined phonebook. In this case, we settled on the Lexington, KY phonebook.

For the bet-settling answer, Kelly had this to say: “At home on my block with my family and neighbors.”

I had hoped to record the execution of the bet and post along with this interview; however, weather and conflicting schedules have caused us to be unable to carry it out. Once we’re able to get together and do the bet, I’ll be sure to post it here for your viewing pleasure; so keep clicking StuffDudesLike.com!

With that, I just want to say a huge thanks to Matt Kelly for his time and a Happy St. Patrick’s Day to everyone reading!

dkm

 Image Credit: Dropkick Murphys

 

– Cameron Blevins

Follow me: @CamOnAir

 

Finding Direction

One thing dudes really like and is a huge part of there “dude hood” is knowing where stuff is. From the time we are old enough to invade grandmas liquor cabinet to our last day on earth.

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 Image Credit: hostel-emma.com

Dudes have to find where they’re going and will never ask for directions! Like Christopher Columbus… you know he was someone that was more than a few miles off, but he never asked for directions. He just pretended like he was where he wanted to be.

Even with a dudes favorite gadget (his buddy Mr. GPS… what did you think I meant?? Get you mind out of the gutter!) he is still screaming his ass off like that GPS is his wife and kids on a cross country trip.

Dudes, if you’re lost just ask for directions! You don’t want to wind up in Siberia instead of Miami beach Florida just because you took a wrong turn at Albuquerque!

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 Image Credit: animationartwork.com

 

– Mike Bocchetti

 

http://www.mikebocchetti.com/

TWITTER: @mikebocchetti

INSTAGRAM: mikebocchetti

 

 

Happy Harvick

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 Image Credit: nascar.com

Last week we were only slightly above average. That’s not good enough, let’s nail it this week.

Harvick dominated last week and he is keeping it going this week. A must play in all formats.

Logano or Brad, both if you are feeling lucky. Brad was best in Saturday practice by far.

Say good-bye to your Regan Smith money in the bank, but say hello to Kurt Busch at a super cheap price and flying in practice. Look for a big bounce back performance from #41. A must start at $22.

Martin Truex is the real story this year in terms of value. How is this man still less than $20? Having him on your roster now, will win you the championship later.

As you can see we have spent a ton of money and only have about $5 left for our 5th driver. Matt Dibenedetto qualified on speed and has been surprisingly consistent in all practices. You could do much worse for only $5.

My ideal line up this week:

Harvick

Keselowski

Truex

Kurt Busch

Dibenedetto

 

– Adam Dulski

Twitter: @adamdulski

SDL Late Night (03/13/2015)

We here at Stuff Dudes Like are always interested in trying new things and taking chances on fresh new writers.

When Dakota Wheatley came to us with the idea of a late night talk show monologue on a website, we jumped at the idea! So without further adieu… Heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Dakota!!!

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 Image Credit: desertlivingtoday.com

Thank you everyone for coming to the SDL theater for my latest show.

 

This week in Bill Cosby news… he hasn’t roofied anyone yet. When asked “When do you think you might roofie again?” Bill answers… “Not sure, but I am keeping my weekend open.”

In Kardashian news… still no talent.

Everybody thinks they are rock stars now days so some of my bro’s and I started a rock band, yep, where getting good… we almost have all the songs unlocked.

I am not one of them dudes that has trouble breaking up with girlfriends… I always have my wife do it for me.

I don’t worry about how much the bill is when I take my girlfriend out for dinner… she pays.

Girls I ain’t the guy ya want to marry… I’m the dude ya cheat on that guy with.

My nephew wants to marry his little girlfriend. They’re going to have the ceremony on the playground during recess. That way afterwards they can go straight to nap time! (wink, wink)

I was told I tell too many dirty jokes. That’s not true… I just don’t tell enough clean ones!

Chicks dig me, even though I am hairy and fat. Shit, I look like Chris Farley and bigfoot had a drunk, drug filled night together. I think the chicks dig me because… they can pet me while I make them laugh.

When I start touring, my downfall will be weed and hoes. I am a pot and pussy man… that’s right dudes, lock up you wifes AND your bongs… Dakota’s coming to your town!

 

– Dakota Wheatley

Twitter: @dakotawheatley

FaceBook: dakota.wheatley.73

Mock Draft 1.0

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Image Credit: latesthuddle.com

The offseason is in full bloom in the NFL, and here is my first Mock Draft of the year. I will put one out right before the draft. First of all, this list is the top ten picks, it’s too early to tell where all these picks will line up, and I’m making this list of the Top 10 as it sits right now.

 

  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers-Jameis Winston, this pick to me is a Zach Morris “no brainer”, he has run a pro-style offense at FSU, has a football IQ that is near Peyton Manning, and is unstoppable in and out of the bedroom. Tampa Bay was a rising team a few years ago, and then they got Lovie Smith for a coach and are now the worst in the NFL you do the math on that one. They need a QB and Winston fits the bill.
  • Tennessee Titans-Leonard Williams, a lot of people have Mariota going at this spot, but I think the Titans are going to try Zach Mettenberg he didn’t have a great rookie year but he showed flashes of being their QB. Leonard Williams is the best player in the draft and will instantly help out the Titans defense. When I look at Leonard Williams I don’t see much of a risk with this pick.
  • Jacksonville Jaguars-Dante Fowler, this is where the draft starts to get interesting. A lot of people have the Jaguars taking a lineman here, but I believe they take care of that in Free Agency. Fowler was a combine darling and he is very similar to Khalil Mack who was phenomenal for the Raiders last year. Jacksonville needs an offense that can stop people this is a step in the right direction. Pencil him in for 10 sacks next year and many years after.
  • Oakland Raiders-Amari Cooper, Kevin White has been the hot pick to go the raiders, but I think this time the Raiders go with the safer play. Cooper has all the skills he just isn’t as fast as White. Oakland has gambled on speed before and lost. Cooper fills a huge void at WR, and has had the experience and pressure of playing at Alabama. The Oakland Raiders with a good draft will field a very competitive next year.
  • Washington Redskins-Shane Ray, Washington has a lot of needs, but with the injury problems with Orakpo the Redskins need an edge rusher that they can depend on, and Ray is that guy. Look for Orakpo to be gone via free agency and this is a heavy need for Washington.
  • New York Jets-Marcus Mariota, it is surprising he is around this long, but a lot of teams are scared about the type of offense he ran in college. I see this pick going to the Eagles in the end. Either way the Jets would be happy with Mariota especially with the addition of Brandon Marshall.
  • Chicago Bears-Randy Gregory, this guy should have been off the board sooner, but this is going to be a great pick for the Bears. For this first time in a long time the Bears are moving to a 3-4 defense and Gregory will give them a pass rush that was nonexistent last year.
  • Atlanta Falcons-Vic Beasley, the Clemson product might be the best edge rusher in the draft, and he is stated publicly that he would like to play for Falcons. Atlanta needs defensive help and this will be a great fit for them. Another guy who will instantly impact a defense.
  • New York Giants-Brandon Scherff, Eli Manning has been one of the most sacked quarterbacks in the last few years and his interception numbers has showed that. Scherff is the best offensive lineman in this year’s draft and will help keep Eli upright.
  • St.Louis Rams-Kevin White, the Rams already have a great defense they need to put up more points. Kevin White gives them a great option opposite Tavon Austin. The Rams are one of my sleeper teams this year and White’s explosiveness will definitely help.
  • Minnesota Vikings-Trae Waynes, I know what you are thinking I thought you said there were only 10 picks in your first mock draft. Well, the Vikings are my team so deal with it. Waynes is the best CB in the draft, and when you have to face Aaron Rodgers twice a year the more defensive backs the better. This is definitely a need pick for the Vikings and will help a very good defense going forward.

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Image Credit: USA Today

 

– Jeff Bauer

TWITTER: @jbauer36

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