Archives for February2015


Watering Holes

Since the Romans found out what would happen when they stomped on grapes like Joe Pesci did on people’s faces then let the juice ferment into alcoholic goodness, dudes have always had their favorite places to drink.

joep

 Image Credit: 20th Century Fox

Weather it be an old man’s dive bar complete with rusty dart board and cheap bottom shelf booze, an elks club where you just go to get shit faced and get in drunken head lock brawls with your buddies, the run down strip clubs where you get 20 dollar lap dances, hipster hookah bars that look like Moroccan opium dens or even loud gigantic dance halls.

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 Image Credit: NBC.com

Even dudetts (the dude female counterparts) have places they love to drink it up with friends. Let’s face it, nobody wants to have a good time alone. Watering holes are a big part of the stuff dudes like culture!

 

– Mike Bocchetti

 

http://www.mikebocchetti.com/

TWITTER: @mikebocchetti

INSTAGRAM: mikebocchetti

 

SDL Late Night (02/19/2015)

We here at Stuff Dudes Like are always interested in trying new things and taking chances on fresh new writers.

When Dakota Wheatley came to us with the idea of a late night talk show monologue on a website, we jumped at the idea! So without further adieu… Heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Dakota!!!

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 Image Credit: desertlivingtoday.com

Thank you everyone for coming to the SDL theater for my first show.

 

Comedy Central what are you thinking with the roast of Justin Bieber? That pisses me off, not as a comedian… but as a Comedy Central viewer.

So in case you haven’t heard yet, the rumor is true. Bruce Jenner is turning into a chick and has been for years…. just ask Chris Jenner’s dick!

I got my girlfriend some flowers and chocolate on Saturday, not because it was valentines day… I just felt bad because I cheated on her Friday.

So, it’s that part of the year again, yep, its income tax season. Or if you grew up like me… the poor mans Christmas!

 

I hope everyone enjoyed the first (of hopefully many) SDL Late Night monologues.

 

– Dakota Wheatley

Twitter: @dakotawheatley

FaceBook: dakota.wheatley.73

 

The role of standardized testing

Teachers need tests to determine if students have learned what was expected of them and if it is the right time to move on to the next objective.

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 Image Credit: txite.org

The data gathered from tests identifies areas of difficulty, which can help teachers adjust instruction for subsequent cohorts of students. Tests show teachers, which students are achieving, and the instructional strategies that are effective. Results from standardized tests can help inform educational policy, school improvement, or instructional practice and develop an action plan.

There are socioeconomic issues such as the inequalities in school funding between wealthy and impoverished areas, which can have an impact on student achievement and test results.

Standardized tests are just one of the many markers of progress, and alternative assessments such as observations, performance tasks, or portfolios should also be used by teachers. Results from alternative assessments can be more effective in communicating outcomes.

Standardized tests can be used to observe changes in student test scores over a year in order to inform the public of an improvement or decline in student achievement.  The standardized tests can also be used as a tool to compare certain schools within the same district because they are similar in socioeconomics.

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 Image Credit: colorlines.com

However, one thing our state’s elected leaders can’t continue to do is place such an emphasis on high-stakes standardized testing.  Instead, we must focus our energy on empowering all students to care and understand the importance of obtaining a quality education.

The goal of using data produced by standardized tests is to extract a correlation between the knowledge of the student and the effectiveness of the teacher.

However, there is not a reliable learning assessment resource available to measure the different impact of each.

Besides the effectiveness of the teacher, the knowledge of the student is also affected by social factors such as student apathy, peer relations, poverty, and parent involvement.

Standardized tests should not be on the cutting edge of education because it promotes teaching to the test, which can be counterproductive and dehumanizing.

However, tests cannot be the only assessment used to help with the evaluating, rating, and ranking of schools, teachers, and school systems.

The toxic environment of standardized testing is causing teachers to consider leaving the profession because of the increase in pressure, wasted time, and negative impact on the classroom.

 

– Mike Lerchenfeldt

Twitter: @mj_lerch

The Annoying Texts

It’s been a bit, so I thought I’d write up some new “haterism”.

You ever get a text message that just simply infuriated you to no end? It’s not so much the text as it is the thought process put into the text. Here is my list of some of the texts that drive me up the walls. And sadly, I get them more than you’d think. In no particular order:

            • K – This one annoys us all. It’s a simple and quick affirmation that has no other thought put into it than “yes.” It’s not elaborate and it doesn’t give anything other than what it is- “ok.” However, this isn’t all that high on my list. Annoying as it may be, K is at least an answer- an agreement. It’s not nearly as annoying as the next one.k
 Image Credit: alyssaarminio.com
          • Oh – This drive me bonkers. When I get a text simply stating “oh,” I want to scream at the person sending it. This tells me nothing. If I’m asking a question and you reply with this, what the hell am I supposed to derive from that?! Give me a yes or a no; if you don’t know, then just say so. “Oh” isn’t an answer, it’s a half-assed acknowledgment that gives nothing back.
          • How are you? – Sometimes abbreviated “Hru.” This is annoying because I’ll get this once a day from the same people. I don’t ever text someone to ask how they are unless I know something bad has happened to them recently. I understand the sentiment; being curious as to how that person is doing… But if you really care, shouldn’t you call and ask that? I mean that’s a somewhat formal question in my opinion and texting is very informal. If someone texts me with this, I don’t think that they’re concerned for me, my first thought is “you texted me just for that?”
          • What are you doing? – Abbreviated as “Wrud.” The only time I find this acceptable is if you’re wanting to hang out in the very near future. Otherwise, it’s none of your business and I’ll let you know if I’m too busy to text. I’ll admit that on its own, this one isn’t too bad. But when paired with the next one as a reply, I just about lose it.
          • Why? – Most commonly used as “y” these days. Let’s say someone asks what I’m doing. I’ll reply with “watching Tv.” Then I get “y.” Really?! You’re asking why I’m watching the damn Tv? I want to say: “Because someone has a gun to my head forcing me to do it.” Since when do I need a damn reason to watch tv? The point is that they’re keeping a conversation going that has no purpose. It’s an annoying waste of time and phone battery.
          • Can I call? – Do not text me asking this. Just call. If I can talk, I’ll answer it; if I can’t talk, I won’t. It’s as simple as that. Even if I’m in a huge meeting, I know enough to put my phone on silent and I won’t answer, hence you know I can’t talk. Texting to ask if you can call is an extra step that’s completely redundant.

Ultimately it all boils down to this: If you want to text me, have a damn reason to be texting me. Don’t just text for the sake of contact. With everything going on in my life, I don’t need to waste time and phone juice on a pointless conversation with you. I’ve literally had conversations that look like this:

Person: “hi”

Me: “Hey”

Person: “Wrud?”

Me: “Not much. Watching Tv.”

Person: “oh”

Person: “y?”

Me: “Because I can?”

Person: “oh”

That may have taken anywhere from 5-10 minutes, depending on each of our response times! That’s 5-10 minutes of my life that I can’t get back and it was given to a pointless conversation. I hate to say it, but it seems the more technology advances, the more we regress.text

 Image Credit: pinterest.com

I have no problem with texting. Like most people nowadays, I text every day. But if you’re going to text me and hold a conversation, have a reason for it.

 

– Cameron Blevins

Follow me: @CamOnAir

 

What’s a pen?

Dudes, it has come to my attention that there is an item today that has quickly become a thing of the past. The pen! That’s right, the pen!

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 Image Credit: wikipedia

They are becoming extinct very fast and will become antiques soon so hoard them if you’ve got them! Yes, I’m still talking about the pen!

From Ben Franklin and his feather quill signing the dotted line of the Declaration of Independence to the very first person to write a dirty joke. They all used pens! Hoard them while you can because soon they will be no more!

Benjamin_Franklin

 Image Credit: wikipedia

Schoolkids of the 21st century look at a pen and say, “What is this thing and how do I use this on my Xbox?” The pen used to be our buddy. A loyal pal that has now been replaced by iPhones, tablets, computers and the like.

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 Image Credit: forbes.com

I asked someone to borrow a pen the other day and the kid looked at me like I wanted to punch him in the kidneys and set him on fire! So dudes, hoard all the pens you got. By the way, you can just forget about the pencil because that’s yesterday’s news! Does anyone under 25 even know what a pencil is?

R.I.P. my old friend Mr. Pen. It was fun having you explode in my pocket on a hot school day and ruin my favorite shirt… on second thought screw you pen!

 

– Mike Bocchetti

 

http://www.mikebocchetti.com/

TWITTER: @mikebocchetti

INSTAGRAM: mikebocchetti

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The State of The Celtics

The Boston Celtics’ 2014-2015 Season is a season for new beginnings and refreshing changes. It is essentially the start of a massive but hopefully quick rebuild of what is considered by many to be a legendary franchise.

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Now that we are at the midpoint of the NBA regular season, let’s glance back at the Celtics’ season thus far. The team currently stands at 20-31 but that is not the story of the season.

The first part of their story this season is all of their prospects that are flourishing in the development of their skills. Their two young forwards, Kelly Olynyk and Jared Sullinger, are proving themselves to be the future big men of the Celtics. Sullinger leads the team in points per game with 14.4 while Olynyk is in third with 11.1. The veteran point guard Avery Bradley comes in second with 13.5. Sullinger also leads the team in rebounds per game with 8 while Olynyk is third with 5.4. Third year center Tyler Zeller is second with 5.5 rebounds a game. While the Team’s forwards are developing, the Celtics’ guards are young and hungry as well.

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Boston’s first round pick of the draft last year, the guard from Oklahoma State Marcus Smart, had a great start for the Celtics. He forced himself into Rookie of the Year talks but that campaign was cut short when he was injured. His role has depleted since coming back from that injury as he is only averaging about 7 points per game. Luckily for Smart he has a 5 year defensive stud at point guard that he can look up to – Avery Bradley. Bradley averages 13.5 points per game but that’s nothing compared to his unsung defensive efforts.

Guard-Trio

Now onto the big storylines of the first half of the season for the Celtics. Trades. Trades. And More Trades. The Celtics traded their two stars of the franchise – Rajon Rondo and Jeff Green. The Rondo trade was a trade just waiting to happen and was a huge relief off the shoulders of general manager Danny Ainge. Ainge had been trying to deal Rondo away for the last year and a half. The Celtics gave Rondo to the Mavs in exchange for Jameer Nelson (no longer with Celtics), Brandon Wright (no longer with Celtics), and Jae Crowder (surprisingly still with Celtics). The Celtics also received a future first round pick and a future second round pick.

A few days later they traded away Brandon Wright to the Suns for a future first round pick. A few weeks after that they sent Green to Memphis in exchange for Tayshaun Prince who has been wonderful since coming on board. He has been a consistent scorer and veteran leader coming off the bench. The Celtics also received a future first round pick in that trade.

Their record of 20-31 is much better than many expected going into the season. However, the team is still in a rebuilding phase and future drafts will continue to be very important.

Brian Robb from Boston.com summarized how the Celtics’ future drafts will look.

2015: 2 first-round picks; 3 second-round picks

2016: 4 first-round picks; 4 second-round picks

2017: 1 first-round pick; 2 second-round picks

2018: 2 first-round picks; 1 second-round pick

2019: 2 first-round picks; 1 second-round pick

If in your opinion that’s not called true rebuilding, then feel free to email me so I can talk some sense into you!

– Ryan Bailey

Twitter: @R_Bailey11

 

Sabres Tank

Are Last Week’s Trades Good Enough for the Sabres to Land Connor McDavid?

tankWatch out NHL teams the Buffalo tank is rolling through your town next!

The tank wasn’t happening fast enough for the upper management of the Buffalo Sabres this past week. The Sabres GM Tim Murray sent defenseman Tyler Myers, forwards Drew Stafford and Joel Armia, and the rights to Brendan Lemieux and the latest of the three first-round picks in 2015 that Buffalo processes. Coming back Buffalo’s way is the much maligned and arrogant forward Evander Kane, defenseman Zach Bogosian, and college goaltender Jason Kasdorf. Who the bigger victor will be in this trade won’t be determined for at least a couple seasons, especially since Kane will not play for Buffalo after having season-ending surgery on his left shoulder.

Many experts believe the preeminent player in this deal will be Evander Kane but I believe it will be Tyler Myers. Myers reminds me of my days watching a young Chara skate around the coliseum ice on Long Island. Like Chara, Myers would have never developed into his full potential with the Sabres. Many of the Buffalo fans ran him out of town and for good reasons. Myers was lax in front of the net and never seemed to have a physical edge to his game. In his first couple of seasons with the Islanders, Chara was also soft in front of the net and didn’t seem to be comfortable in his own body. Many Islanders fans thought he was just too damn tall to play the game. The Big Z also lunged at pucks with his stick instead of using his enormous body. Myer’s young career has definitely modeled Chara’s first few seasons in the league. A new change of address for Myers in Winnipeg will be just what the doctor ordered. With a better team that has had some success and a mentor in Dustin Byfuglien, Myers should develop into a defenseman the likes of Chara.

charaIt took years and a new address for Zdeno Chara to become a Hall of Famer Defenseman

What Buffalo gets back in the trade is a talented left wing in Evander Kane. Sabres fans will have to wait till next season to see Kane lace up the skates for his new team. Evander is a gifted young player but his off-ice exploits have been well documented such as doing pushups on stacks of money. In the age of social media, there is no place to hide from the bad choices we make. I know I wouldn’t want everybody seeing the exploits I got into as a young twenty-something. But this is the age we live in now and people, particularly young adults, need to watch what they post online. Hockey experts alike seem to harp on the personality or the character of a player instead of the raw talent the player brings to the game. Character is built through experience particularly by playing alongside veteran players. Buffalo does have some of those experienced players in Gionta, Moulson, and Stewart who could provide leadership to Kane if these players stick around long enough and into next season.

dumbassJust one of a few dumb pictures Kane has posted on social media

This huge blockbuster trade could help either team down the road in the future, and I agree with GM Tim Murray pulling the trigger, however the trade that leaves me scratching my head is the Enroth deal. I was at the game on Tuesday and saw Enroth almost steal two points against Ottawa. Enroth, albeit small, was a solid goaltender for a struggling Sabres team. If the Sabres were going to trade him I thought they would get more than Anders Lindback in return. Lindback and current Buffalo goaltender Neuvirth are now left to play out the string to see who can take the starting job. Enroth could have provided solid goaltending to a contending team in need of a quality backup. I find it hard to believe this was the best return on Enroth the Sabres could get. With Enroth gone the full tank is now on for Connor McDavid, who will be the top pick come the draft in Sunrise, Florida this summer.

Will the Sabres end up with Connor McDavid? There are a handful of teams in the mix, such as Edmonton, Arizona, Carolina, Colorado and most recently Toronto, who can’t seem to beat a pee wee team all of a sudden. The last time a player of this magnitude came up in the draft was Sidney Crosby and somehow the Pittsburgh Penguins won the draft that year. Do I believe the Sabres will win the draft? Living in Buffalo these past 18 years has turned me into a pessimist. The Buffalo Bills lost four straight Super Bowls, the No Goal result in 1999 against the Dallas Stars, and in 2007 it seemed like every defenseman got hurt before eventually losing to the eventual Stanley Cup winning Carolina Hurricanes. So what do I think? No they won’t get McDavid. McDavid is going to a bigger NHL market team such as Colorado or Toronto. I am not ruling Buffalo out but I think it would have to take another miracle on ice.

domnewI hope the Buffalo Sabres can reverse their fortunes and land Connor McDavid

– Damian Mikrut

Follow me on Twitter: @nyislanders19

The Friendzone

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The Friendzone is one of those words that I see being used more and more these days. And it’s starting to bug me. At first, I was cool with it. And in concept, it’s okay. Guy likes a girl a lot; girl likes him just as a friend and he goes with it because some attention is better than none. However, as I’ve matured more and as the usage of the word has increased, I find myself more and more infuriated by it. Not only by the usage, however; but by the very concept of it- the idea behind what it represents. We’ve started using it to be angry at the women we so adore.

In order to bring you up to my line of thinking, I want to tell you the story of my own, rather lengthy, encounter with the Friendzone.
In the third grade, I moved to a new school. Here I met a girl who was both in my class and rode my school bus. This girl was one of my best friends and even at such a young age, I grew strong feelings for her. Now, if only I’d have known just how long those feelings were going to stick around. At that time we were boyfriend/girlfriend – or at least as much as you can be at that age. Being the prepubescent thing it was, it never lasted. We remained close friends all through our school years, yet I always wanted more. There was just something about her that I couldn’t shake. Then in high school I resumed my pursuit and tried a few more times. The closest I ever got was taking her to the movies, after which I got a kiss on the cheek. I didn’t realize it at the time, but the peck was a consolation gift for the date. We never went out again, yet we remained friends. Ultimately, we both graduated and went off to different colleges. My interest in her lessened greatly and before I knew it, I was completely over her. Fortunately for us, everything stayed on good terms. I was never mad or upset with her and to this day we still consider each other to be friends.

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Guys view the Friendzone as this evil relationship imposed on them by the person they desire. I disagree with this. In the girl’s mind, you’re just a friend. You can’t pass judgment on them because they don’t want to be romantically involved with you. In reality, the Friendzone is simply this- a figment of your imagination. It’s your mind’s way of rationalizing that unrequited love. I spent my entire school years in the Friendzone until one day I realized the reality of it. There is no Friendzone. It only exists if we allow it to. Pining away for them, keeping in touch with them for the sake of attention- that is you allowing the Friendzone to exist.

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My solution is simple: Ask her out. If she says yes, goal achieved. If she says no or that she thinks of you as just a friend or a brother, there’s only one real solution. Break off all ties with her. After that happens, there are two possible outcomes.

  1. (Less likely) She will miss you enough to realize that she too has feelings for you more than just a friendship and she’ll reach out.
  2. (More likely and mentally healthy) You’ll move on.

When my friend and I graduated and went off to different colleges, I was finally able to move on. To stop thinking about her and to focus on other people. I obliterated the Friendzone.

Today I see tons of posts online about the Friendzone and blaming women for it. This is bullshit. It’s not the woman’s fault. It is our own fault. We’re the ones who are too dumb to move on. And in the process start blaming the girl for it. If you’re frustrated or angry because you’re in the Friendzone and want to start blaming someone, start by looking in the mirror. Then sack up and ask her out and/or move on. Afraid of rejection? There are 7 billion people in this world, you can find another one. Afraid of losing a friend? Same reply. 7. Billion. People. Don’t make excuses to keep contact with them. Be a man, own up to your own imaginary Friendzone and move on. Tell yourself- There is no such thing as the Friendzone. Even if she is intentionally leading you along, you are allowing it to happen. Like I said, no such thing as the Friendzone.

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In order to tell my personal story, I contacted the girl in question to get her permission. While I didn’t give specifics in the story, I wanted her to be kosher with it. She agreed and even offered to write up a short female perspective as to why they may intentionally Friendzone you. Gentlemen, I give you- The Friendzone: A woman’s perspective!

-Kelley:

Why do girls “Friendzone” you anyway?

  1. She values your friendship too much. You’re close friends. Maybe you’re her go-to guy. You know more about her than anyone and you have a great shared history. There’s a very real chance that changing the dynamics of the relationship will screw up the good thing you’ve got going. Just be honest about your feelings and move on. Maybe seeing you go is just the jolt she needs to realize it’s worth the risk. Maybe she just needs to kiss her share of frogs before seeing that her prince was there all along.
  2. She feels guilty that she doesn’t have feelings for you. You are sweet and funny and her family loves you. She knows you’re perfect relationship material, but she just isn’t romantically attracted to you. She may think something is wrong with her. (She never has trouble conjuring up some feelings for total losers…) There’s nothing wrong with her. There’s nothing wrong with you. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be.
  3. She doesn’t love you, but her self-esteem does. Whether they admit it or not girls need male attention and they’ll take it where they can get it. Girls with daddy issues are the worst about this. (Having been one I’m allowed to say so.) She doesn’t have feelings for you, but that won’t stop her from flirting with you, especially when she’s feeling down. She may not even realize she’s doing it. Go ahead and flirt if you want, but don’t get your hopes up that she’s suddenly realized how wonderful you are 10 minutes after her bad break up.
  4. You’re good friends, but she knows any relationship between the two of you is bound to crash and burn. You laugh at each other’s jokes. You may flirt all the time. You may have even had moments when it certainly felt like much more than friendship, but this one just isn’t going to work. Maybe you have different religious beliefs, morals, families, career goals, or even zip codes, but eventually things are bound to go wrong. Don’t push it with this one. She will either get mad at you for pressuring her or you’ll eventually end up in a relationship where nobody is happy and you’re frustrated that you wasted a good friendship and so much time.

In any case, pining away or hitting on her every chance you get isn’t going to make things better for either of you. The best thing you can do is learn to value your friendship, or distance yourself and move on. And if you find yourself in a relationship at some point down the road and you need ideas for a gift or special date for your new girl, she’ll be more than happy to help you out.

Big thanks to Kelley for allowing me to use our story of the Friendzone and for writing up her female perspective. As you can see, there are many reasons why a woman may intentionally lead you on, but ultimately it’s up to you to fix it. Either do as Kelley said and be ok with the friendship or do as she and I both said and move on. The Friendzone only exists if we allow it to. We shouldn’t be angry with the girl, even if she is doing it intentionally. It’s on us just as much as it is them.

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– Cameron Blevins

Follow me: @CamOnAir

 

Broke on Valentine’s Day?

Financial hardships may prevent you from thinking clearly when it comes to Valentine’s Day. You love your wife or girlfriend- you just loved going to the strip club a little more. Perhaps you forgot to save some money for this eventful day. She’s expecting a lot, and you look into your wallet only to discover you’re flat broke!

Instead of getting bent out of shape, here is the solution dudes!

  • A fake vacation for a “Later” date

vaca

“Hey babe, look at what I bought us. All of them!!” ;D

Sure, it’s a little extreme, but trust me it works. I once dated a girl who I was super attracted to, but the problem was I lied about my income when I met her (I was young and dumb once too). I spent so much on this ungrateful female that I needed Valentine’s Day to be as inexpensive as possible just to continue dating her. The solution was simple – a fake vacation! 

You simply find a local ski resort like the one above and you print out all the information. You pick out a few activities and a tentative date at least six months away. You tell her that you got all of the massage packages, etc. There are plenty to choose from. It looks like you spent hundreds of dollars on her gift – but in reality you bought nothing! And she loved it.

No need to go any further or even come up with another idea. This works EVERYTIME… unless you’re a dumbass. Most relationships don’t last longer than 6 months so the chances of you being together are minimal anyway. And hey if your not- what do you care at that point that she didn’t get anything for Valentine’s Day? You spend enough of your money on her year round, don’t feel bad.

If you need help with the specifics reach out to me on Twitter: @joshk65

If you are a female and stumbled upon this article and you are broke on Valentine’s Day, no worries. I have the solution for you ladies if you’re broke and want to give your man something he will enjoy…

It’s called a Blowjob!

dont-friend-hotgirl

– Josh King

Twitter: @joshk65

buzzntheburgh.com

Her Suit

Every relationship is comprised of give and take. You give me a hard time, I take your sister out dancing – you know, to make sure balance is restored. But in all seriousness, partners often concede sacrifices for their significant others. I’m unusually easy going with most things, but I’m partial to certain grooming traits already undertaken by many women. As I wax nostalgic, I fondly recall all of those women who waxed Brazilian. I grew accustomed to this, and made no bones about mentioning it to future lovers. Some were willing; but with the au naturale others, I was met with varying degrees of go fuck yourself.

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So for this Valentine’s Day, it was time for me to see what was up with all the hype… and return the favor. Besides, I can only buy roses and chocolate so many years in a row before a woman gets bored. At least with this, I could, through first-hand experience, foster a greater appreciation for the painstaking lengths women will go to for ultimate beautification.

I’ve known Cynthia for nearly a year now. She’s a professional cosmetologist specializing in hair care and skin care – and, sometimes, the care of both simultaneously. I expressed my interest in a wax and she encouraged me to give it a try. Naturally I had some questions, and her past experiences gave me even more to consider. I’m a big boy, I do a pretty good job of taking care of myself – but the idea of someone drizzling hot wax all over my twig and berries, only to rip if off, left me understandably trepid. Still I needed to know.

For the uninitiated, a full Brazilian wax is quite a bit different from the electric razor manscaping to which most guys are accustomed. It’s not just a few minutes of hair removal. It’s a long, slow, painful process that encompasses the entire bathing suit area (front and back, taint and crack).

eww

Last weekend, I called Cynthia to see if she could fit me in. She said she’d be free in an hour, which gave me just enough time to shower and get ready. Now Cynthia’s an attractive woman, so I wondered, in my exposed state, might there be chance that I could become embarrassingly tumescent. I decided it was appropriate for me to engage in a little pregame. When in doubt, take matters into your own hands! Once shucked and showered, I made my way to Cindy’s studio. I wondered if the ride home would be as pleasant as the ride there – as a guy, getting a full Brazilian wax just isn’t something you consider when buying a motorcycle.

When I arrived, small talk quickly led to the task at hand. Cynthia asked if my hair was at least a quarter inch long – if not, that would make removal more difficult. I dropped trou revealing an unkempt jungle. Her eyes widened as she realized she had her work cut out for her. Once naked from the waist down, I hopped up on the sheeted table and rested my head on a pillow. Cynthia came over with a set of clippers and began shearing away, cupping my stuff with her hands as the electric razor made its rounds.

“This isn’t so bad,” I thought. “Of course not! She hasn’t started spackling your love triangle with hot wax yet!”

cut

Not a moment after that thought left my head, Cynthia wheeled over the wax cart. It’s more like a mobile station of cauldronous genital torture – very Death Star-esque – but maybe I have a tendency to overreact. Both hard- and soft-wax sternos were seated in upside down bowl-like heaters that kept the waxes semi-liquefied. I can still hear the once-non-threatening sound of tongue depressors being cracked in half so as to double their efficiency; she used them to apply the wax to the skin, and broke them in half so as to not waste any. A quick glance at my own tongue depressor revealed a hasty yet futile retreat.

turtle

Cindy first tested the wax on the back of her hand and said it might be a little too hot. Not wanting to look like any less of a man, I encouraged her to proceed.

“Nah, don’t worry about it, I’ll be fine. Just do your thing.” The words lumped in my throat the second that hot, melty goop smeared across my skin.

Cynthia began painting hard wax around my base, explaining that this was one of a man’s most sensitive areas. If I could endure this, she said, I’d be okay with the entire procedure. The hot wax stung at first, but quickly subsided; this lulled me into a false sense of security. Cynthia gave the wax a minute to cool …before pinching a clump of it and ripping it off.

Oh. My. God.

waxing

To add insult to literal injury, the hard wax didn’t come off in one fell swoop. Cynthia kept pinching edges of little chunks of wax and ripping them off. At this point, the application of hot wax was a welcomed retreat – that is, until more hot wax was once again thickly layered onto my now singed area. This went on for about 20 minutes – at which point I looked down and realized she wasn’t even halfway done. As sexy as this is supposed to be when it’s completed, there isn’t anything even remotely dignified about having a woman ask you for help in achieving a taut shaft. And she just came right out with it:

“I’m gonna need some help here. This little guy’s not cooperating.”

Once she finished with my base and perineum, Cynthia said it was time for the soft wax – the most sensitive areas were done and it was smooth sailing from there. Oh, okay. Great.

Not quite.

A few runs with the soft wax contorted my face into twisted stone – and that told Cindy that hard wax was the only way I’d make it through this without whimpering like a dying puppy. The hard wax is more expensive – and rightly so as it pulls less of your skin when it’s extricating hair. Cynthia kept the conversation light, and sprinkled in some humor. This made the procedure bearable – until I realized that I was laughing at the same time that she was de-layering my most sensitive skin. Tensing up is not the best way to prepare for violent hair removal from an area of my body that winces at the sight of a mere loofah.

Cynthia eventually uttered the words I’d longed to hear:

“Alright, you’re all done…”

…immediately followed by the words I’d been dreading since I walked in:

“…now flip over.”

funny-scared-face

As exposed as I was laying flat on my back, I was far more vulnerable on all fours with my crease at the ready. But I was committed. Proudly jutting my Liberace smile up in the air, I braced for the worst. But just moments after my starfish got its maiden coat of wax, my concern was compounded by an awoken colon. Apparently all the laughing and tension caused a stir. We were so close to being finished, I didn’t want to stop now. I figured I could just hold it in until we were done – but that presented an interesting conundrum. If I contracted my muscles, I’d be able to maintain some dignity. Relaxing my muscles would make the waxing easier – but that also meant that I might let one loose.

I managed to hold it together for the home stretch. Cindy did some stretching too, being as thorough as possible. When nary a hair was there, Cynthia oiled up my now tender seam and said I was all set to get dressed. I got off the table and watched her walk out of the room. As soon as the door shut, I cocked my hip with a sigh of relief – and it was the smoothest fart I ever ripped.

fart

When it was all said and done, I felt great. I can’t believe it took me this long to get it done. But what I can believe is that women everywhere go through great pains (literally!) to look and feel this good on a regular basis – and for that, on behalf of men around the world, I’m eternally grateful. Thank you, and Happy Valentine’s Day.

 

– Victor Victor