Hey Vern It’s Ernest! – A VHS Video Review


 

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“Knowhatimean?” and “Hey Vern” were 2 of the biggest quotes kids said in the 80’s… or at least they were in my house. I’m an only child and my TV was my best friend so I heard it a lot. I have seen every Ernest movie and multiple times! Before you ask… yes I’m proud of that fact! I even saw “Ernest goes to Africa” and didn’t totally hate it.

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Image Credit: moviepostershop.com

When I was a kid Ernest was so cool, he made every situation fun. One of my “normal rotation” videos back in the day was a “Hey Vern It’s Ernest” VHS video. It came right after my “Super Mario Super Show” tape and my “Pro Stars” video. It was so great. As we all know Ernest is one of the greatest characters ever captured on film! And in this video as in all of Ernest’s great 80’s commercials for lots of cool crap like Mellow Yellow and Natural Gas and all his blockbuster hit movies he talks to his best friend and neighbor Vern.

I was going through a box marked “Crap… and I mean CRAP!” written on it (By my mom) and you know what I found at the bottom of the box?? That’s right it was my old Ernest video! YAY! So I decided to watch and review it! So let’s get into this review.

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Image Credit: Amazon

We start with Ernest talking to Vern about his dreams of doggie ownership. He looks up and sees a little brown puppie named Rover lying in a pet shop window. He wants the pitter-patter of furry feet and a cold wet nose on his cheek. He shows Vern that he has all the needed doggie tools like a bone, a collar, and a leash. Now it might just be me but it seems to me like he just talked about the last date I was on… Except for the wet nose. He tells Vern how he dreams about Rover being able to bring the paper to him and bring a carton of milk with him when he comes. He dreams of… wait a minute Rover costs $100! How will he be able to afford $100? All hope is lost it seems… but wait, Ernest has a plan!!!

The totally 80’s intro plays at this point and it might be just me but it sure as hell looks like a lot like the “Saved By the Bell” intro with all the colors and goofy shapes flying all over the place.

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Image Credit: retrojunk.com

After the intro we see Ernest in Vern’s living room with lots of animals everywhere. He tells Vern that he has opened the “Ernest P. Worell Pet Day Care Center” and Vern’s house is the perfect place to have it. But don’t worry Vern it’ll only be for a couple days.

After Ernest shows the goat where to stand we cut to a puppet that looks just like Ernest making fun of Mr. Worell’s ability to run a business. If you have ever seen an Ernest movie you know that the dialog is among the best spoken word ever caught on film… as his TV show was no different. Now before I tell you the Ernest puppet joke make sure you aren’t drinking anything that may shoot from you nose when you hear it. Ok you ready? Here goes “Ernest couldn’t run water if his hands were taped to the faucet!!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! See I told you it was funny!

After that hilarity I know this video is gonna kick some major ass… or maybe it’s just that it’s 5:37 am and I am all doped up on cold pills and 3 musketeer mini candy bars. Either way I was really into this video and I knew you would really be into this review so I took lots of great pics for all my speshal pails! Next we see Mac & George… George is an iguana and Mac is his roommate. George is making a home for his new pet. Mac wonders what kind of pet George will end up getting.

Back to Ernest. Some bitch has brought him her bird to watch. (You’ll find out why she’s a bitch in a little while.) But she tells him that if he can teach her bird how to talk… she will pay him $50!!! He thanks her for the chance to make more money and figures that teaching a bird how to talk will be as easy as pie!!

At this point I got up to get more candy bars and I forgot to pause the video. I’m not really sure what happened but when I got back Bill & Coo were on my screen. Who are Bill & Coo you ask? Well they are 2 country singers that lost a dog of course!! A dog named Jerome in fact. He ran away a long time ago and they miss him very very much. I’ll spare you the song but the line that stands out in my mind is “Jeroooooome won’t you pleeeeeease come hoooooome” they had to sing that line 100 times. Just look at the pic below you have to love the matching outfits. They look great don’t they?

Next it’s time for Ernest to get a haircut! He asks the barber for a little off the top cuz now that he owns his own business he wants to look like a “Wallstreet Tycoon” but his barber doesn’t hear to well and cuts it like a “Deadbeat Raccoon”. At first Ernest is really upset about it until he starts to look at it in the mirror. It looks kinda good this new haircut he has. His barber asks him if he wants the tail up or down and Ernest says the tail looks better up… it looks more sexy he thinks to himself, or maybe I just thought that… I’m not really sure. But either way that look really worked for him. He looked just like a “Deadbeat Raccoon”.

Next we have the worst magician on earth!! Existo the magician makes me keeping myself from peeing my pants when I’m drunk look like a magic trick… actually sometimes that does seem like magic! Anyway he has a plastic raccoon on a table and he puts a sheet over it to make it disapear. Once it’s covered he says, “It’s gone! I swear to you it’s gone!! I have made it disappear!” Then he pulls the sheet off and yells “And it’s back!!!” thus ending this show of wannabe magic and Existo the wannabe magician. Actually me trying not to epe myself would have prolly been a better show then that…

At this point in the video my pills were wearing off and I was out of candy so this video didn’t seems as cool as it had 15 minutes ago but I’m not gonna give up on it like most of you prolly gave up on this storie after the puppet. Either way I fast-forwarded a little bit and I am confident I can get thorough this video… I watched it hundreds of times in the past so I should be able to watch it once now… Right?

When I stopped the tape I saw something strange… even for this video. It was “My Father the Clown”. I don’t even want to talk about what happened here except to say that by the end the son that isn’t a clown and the mother get a bowl of cereal dumped on their heads and that it unlike every other thing on this show had nothing to do with animals or pets in any way shape or form… unless a clown is a pet?? Or is a kid a pet for a clown? Anyone know?

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Image Credit: zeecaps.com

Ernest tries to get his bird friend to talk a couple more times even once threatening to cook him if he doesn’t speak but still has no luck. Back to our buddies George & Mac. George finally has his new pet in his box. His new pet is Mac. Fortunately George is a good owner and is feeding his new man pet his favorite food… Hotdogs!!

Ernest has dressed up as a bird and is doing sketch comedy trying to get that ladie’s bird to talk to him… no dice. Unlike the comic gold told at the beginning of the video by puppet Ernest, real Ernest isn’t quite as funny. But that’s ok because this video has to be almost over. Someone knocks on the door and after Mr. Worell walks away the unspoken bird speaks… “What a turkey!” about our old pail Ernest. Maybe it’s just me but I think this bird is a little mean to poor old hard workin Ernest. His jokes might be not so great and he might screw up everything he does but he means well!! He really does. I think this bird is just like his owner… A bitch!! When Ernest answers the door it’s the lady for her bird. Ernest tells her that he doesn’t talk but he tried really hard. She says, “oh well” and doesn’t appear to pay him anything for the sitting. After she leaves you hear the bird say, “Pay him $50 knowhatimean?” yet she never comes back and pays him for the help. ISee I told you she’s a bitch!! That bitch didn’t pay him anything… how is he gonna buy Rover if nobody pays him? That slut!!

Even without that slut’s help Ernest made $100 and can finally buy Rover… but there’s a problem! Rover has been sold already! What the fuck?? All that work for nothing! But wait, Vern bought the doggie!! He bought him for Ernest and didn’t tell him so he could surprise him. Ernest tells Vern “What ever you want let me know” So Vern points at the money pile that Ernest made and Ernest says “We’ll talk about this later. Knowhatimean Vern?” and walks away with Rover in hand. The End.

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Image Credit: southsidermagazine.com

 

 

– Sam Zane

TWITTER: @SameSamFromB4